Anxiety Blues

Here we go again. I stubbornly keep thinking that peace and quiet is something attainable and most important, long-lived. And when the storm has finally passed, or so I thought, then uncertainty strikes again. Then I start thinking if the passing of the storm was an illusion and I was just experiencing the eye of it, foolishly believing the worst is finally over.

In a single instant, everything you thought as a given changes again, for reasons you don’t completely understand. They are crystal clear for the other person, though, leaving you clueless, disoriented and angry, since the idea of doing things well was just that: a dumb idea.

What comes next is a complete mystery: you don’t know anymore how to behave, how to talk, how to be close since it seems all of what you’ve been doing so far is causing a terrible anguish and pressure to your significant other. Then the panic thinking sets in: What did I do wrong? What do I do now? Why is this happening now? What needs to be done? How should I deal with this uncomfortable anxiety you thought was dealt with?

As usual, no answers are coming so far. The ideas you based your reasoning on are now obsolete and harmful (!). I used to think things were going to be easier as time passed, but it seems to be the exact opposite: complications, confusion and turmoil are taking the place of the supposed equilibrium and balance that were expected.

What to do? Just keep walking, as one friend used to say. I don’t really know anything anymore, aside of taking care of myself as best as I can, since the tenets of my existence are, once again, being shaken up…