Inner Daemons

This title can be a little weird, but it describes perfectly my current situation. I feel trapped, but not by the circumstances, but by myself. I feel that I lack the will or determination to break free. I have now more clear ideas about where I want to go, or what I want to do, but future is still looking blurry. I´ve been offered another project at my company, but the fact is that I don´t want to be here anymore. My time is up at this place, but I have to remind myself that I have to be clever and wait for the right moment to leave in the best possible shape. The problem is that my energy is already gone, and the little that remains won´t be enough… Let´s see what happens…

Some time ago, a close friend told me that whenever he arrived at the town where he lives, he felt that his energy levels drained fast. Something similar happens to me at my office. It´s like a black hole. No matter how energetic I wake up in the morning: in the moment that I sit down in my desk, all vanishes… Perhaps it´s time to seek new challenges somewhere else. It´s really bad not to have energy to pursue my own interests, and not only the company ones. And the circle goes on and on…

Some days have passed since I received the news about my fathers´ death. Perhaps this is not the best moment to write, but somehow it soothes me and helps to relieve the pain. It´s kind of strange, but this has made me think about life and death, my role in this world, my attitudes towards the rest of the people surrounding me, my mistakes, my goals, my dreams, the futility of many stupid things that, we believe, are important, the fragility of life, the moments that are running fast past behind. The world has become an ugly place to live. Nobody cares about you. Insanity is gaining ground, but, if you can´t maintain the “required” frantic pace, you will be left behind, alone in the dark. You cannot fail, it is not “right”, you must be perfect all the times, no matter your feelings or needs. I´m getting sick of all this. I want to break free, to find my own way to live, but it is difficult. Each day, your customs are holding you tighter, and no matter what you do, you feel drowsy and surrounded, without hope. Dad: Please help me, give me strength to cope with these daemons…

The main problem of having a lot of spare time is that you tend to think too much about the same things. Decisions that you´ve already made, choices or plans already underway. Everything goes under a cruel scrutiny, trying to find that glitch or error (inexistent, most of the time) that causes disconfort, fear or depression. It´s kind of hard to trust ourselves, to close our eyes and walk believing in our choices. In this culture, errors and wrong-doings are the worst thing that can happen to anybody. We are not taught to recover and to learn from our mistakes. We need to be perfect all the time. What a stupid burden…

Andy Warhol said that every one of us has the right to enjoy 15 minutes of fame. I think my time has come and I don´t want to pass. You only live once (not twice, like Mr. Bond used to say), and I stopped thinking about stupid things at last! I´m motivated, happy and confident…

Enjoy: A simple word but quite complicated to apply. Ready or not, here I come…