Inner Daemons

Finally it happened. I´m leaving. It sounds kind of weird, since when I knew it, after the first feelings of relief, I got scared. Now what? I asked myself. But, strangely, I have started to stop thinking about what´s next. I only want to stop. To breathe. To stop worrying about everything. I won´t miss the things I´m going to left behind: no friends, no valuable relationships, no good moments. Nothing. Perhaps this is caused by me. I didn´t want to have any of them. I used to think that I was “better” somehow, and that I didn´t need to go down to their level. It was too basic, I used to say. Damn. Now I realized that perhaps I have missed a lot of good moments, but, it´s too late. The only thing remaining is the will to move on. Again. To try and fight my daemons. But I´m starting to realize that they will come with me, no matter where I am. I have to defeat them. Better yet, I should make friends with them… Interesting thoughts. Are they possible? Or am I slightly mad, like Freddy said?

Today I received some news about my ex-wife. She´s pregnant. It´s kind of strange, since I haven´t talked with her for many months, and the last time this occurred, she told me that she didn´t want to speak with me anymore. We used to be friends after breaking up, but then things went wrong. My feelings are a mixture at this time. I hope she´s ok, and her partner (if any) is a good person. She deserves it. I can´t help wondering what would have happened if we were still together…

This title can be a little weird, but it describes perfectly my current situation. I feel trapped, but not by the circumstances, but by myself. I feel that I lack the will or determination to break free. I have now more clear ideas about where I want to go, or what I want to do, but future is still looking blurry. I´ve been offered another project at my company, but the fact is that I don´t want to be here anymore. My time is up at this place, but I have to remind myself that I have to be clever and wait for the right moment to leave in the best possible shape. The problem is that my energy is already gone, and the little that remains won´t be enough… Let´s see what happens…

Some time ago, a close friend told me that whenever he arrived at the town where he lives, he felt that his energy levels drained fast. Something similar happens to me at my office. It´s like a black hole. No matter how energetic I wake up in the morning: in the moment that I sit down in my desk, all vanishes… Perhaps it´s time to seek new challenges somewhere else. It´s really bad not to have energy to pursue my own interests, and not only the company ones. And the circle goes on and on…

Some days have passed since I received the news about my fathers´ death. Perhaps this is not the best moment to write, but somehow it soothes me and helps to relieve the pain. It´s kind of strange, but this has made me think about life and death, my role in this world, my attitudes towards the rest of the people surrounding me, my mistakes, my goals, my dreams, the futility of many stupid things that, we believe, are important, the fragility of life, the moments that are running fast past behind. The world has become an ugly place to live. Nobody cares about you. Insanity is gaining ground, but, if you can´t maintain the “required” frantic pace, you will be left behind, alone in the dark. You cannot fail, it is not “right”, you must be perfect all the times, no matter your feelings or needs. I´m getting sick of all this. I want to break free, to find my own way to live, but it is difficult. Each day, your customs are holding you tighter, and no matter what you do, you feel drowsy and surrounded, without hope. Dad: Please help me, give me strength to cope with these daemons…