Inner Daemons

Sometimes is difficult to tame those daemons that have something to do with our more primal instincts: sex, rage or survival. These days I´ve been recalling a book I read many years ago, where the author described a society based on a closed-circuit life, this is, birth, life and dead inside a huge building, without ever going outdoors. People there were heavily divided by their abilities. The most successful ones lived higher, the others, lower. But, all of them had one thing in common, aside the fact of living in the same place: they could have sex with all women in the building, but hidden social rules dictated that the “lower ones” should stay there.

What if we could do the same now? Have sex or share wealth with everyone? What could change? How our lives will be? Different? the same? better? worse? It´s very difficult to control our most basic instincts just to comply with rules created by a group of people that is not here anymore. Violence and poverty are the results of this kind of ideas, envy and hatred are also side-effects. Perhaps our mindsets need to be changed now. The old rules don´t seem to apply anymore. People need different perspectives, because our society is completely different and is evolving fast. We cannot rely on old power schemes anymore. But, inertia and control of the masses by a few are almost impossible hurdles to take. Nonetheless, I believe a big change is approaching, and we´d better be prepared for it, since the world as we know it, is going to chance forever…

It´s a strange feeling. In my last trips to my home land, when I return, I feel something like sadness, but it´s not quite that. Instead, is a mixture between past and future, friends and company, and loneliness and isolation. Perhaps it´s time to go back, perhaps not. It seems that time is passing quickly and I´m beginning to understand many things about my life. Now we have a dog. What is to come, is yet to be seen…

Don´t want to copy a bad movie title, specially being from him (her?). Lately, I´ve been realizing that some thoughts from long ago are true: my mom hates almost everyone. After my father´s death, she´s been immersed in a strange process of change, but not for good, I shall say, instead, her life is going into irrational hate and fear. I can´t even imagine what it is like to be in her position, her husband suddenly dead in a very painful way, but, instead of turning inside and closing the doors to the external world, the “lesson” should have been to be more kind, since life is too short to spend it fighting, feeling envy, hatred or remorse.

But, human beings don´t stop to amaze me (not in the best way, unfortunately). I feel sorry for her, but I´ve decided to put some distance between us, because being near is to put myself and all my hard-earned inner peace (still working on it) at risk. Sorry mom, but that´s the way it is (or it should be, at least for me).

I haven´t written much in some time. A lot has happened. About a year has passed since I decided to take a sabbatical to gather myself again. In the meanwhile, I got married. She was the one, all the time, but I didn´t realize it until it was almost too late. I even crossed the ocean several times to beg for another chance.

I fought with my old daemons in a way I did not think I was able to. My mind is a lot clearer and calm, but I feel it´s not enough yet. One thing is for sure: there´s no way back. Life goes on, but I see everything in a different way. It´s difficult to stay in this state, since I tend to fall back, despite knowing it´s not possible anymore. But, this is how existence works, isn´t it?

Today I saw his book in a store, and I felt miserable. Most of my life I´ve been ranting and complaining about almost all, but I haven´t accomplished none. To add insult to injury, I´ve realized that my “knowledge” about many topics is outdated or it doesn´t interest anyone now. I keep falling behind. But now I feel rage and sadness. No force of will to go on. In the other hand, I´m still waiting for that opportunity to come, patiently as instructed by many. But should I be doing things instead of waiting and feeling alone in the dark? Time, again, will tell…