Inner Daemons

I haven´t written much in some time. A lot has happened. About a year has passed since I decided to take a sabbatical to gather myself again. In the meanwhile, I got married. She was the one, all the time, but I didn´t realize it until it was almost too late. I even crossed the ocean several times to beg for another chance.

I fought with my old daemons in a way I did not think I was able to. My mind is a lot clearer and calm, but I feel it´s not enough yet. One thing is for sure: there´s no way back. Life goes on, but I see everything in a different way. It´s difficult to stay in this state, since I tend to fall back, despite knowing it´s not possible anymore. But, this is how existence works, isn´t it?

Today I saw his book in a store, and I felt miserable. Most of my life I´ve been ranting and complaining about almost all, but I haven´t accomplished none. To add insult to injury, I´ve realized that my “knowledge” about many topics is outdated or it doesn´t interest anyone now. I keep falling behind. But now I feel rage and sadness. No force of will to go on. In the other hand, I´m still waiting for that opportunity to come, patiently as instructed by many. But should I be doing things instead of waiting and feeling alone in the dark? Time, again, will tell…

Suddenly, I feel an urge to write down my thoughts, the things that happen in my life and the ideas that have been lurking into my mind for ages. It´s really nice to be into something, without pressure. To do it just for fun, as a way to put out many crazy ideas that cross my brain. Refreshing feeling. My plans are to continue, but who knows? The daemons can come back at any moment, sucking all my energy yet again…

It´s really complicated to look into her eyes and not feel sadness. I know that we have to do it, but it´s so damn difficult. Being with her all these years has been a crazy ride: sometimes very good, others really bad. But at the end of the day, the bond between us is pretty strong, made with laughs, tears, sex and patience. Letting her go is the right thing to do, but I cannot help thinking in those good moments, the peace between us, her happiness and love for me, our travels (many of them without moving) and those “bed and book” afternoons.I´ll surely miss her, but our lives have to go on, in separate ways at this time…

I deeply hate her. But she doesn´t know. She´s there, happily living her life without knowing it. I haven´t told her about those things on my head, but I´m certain that she knows. I´m starting to think that I scare her, and that´s the reason for not acknowledging what´s going on. The worst thing is that she´s living with another person, and therefore, there´s no chance for anything. I don´t like not to have things under control, but this has a lot to do with my legendary shyness and stupidity. It´s a fact: I scare people. And I´m getting sick of it…

But, f*ck. I still like her a lot and keep believing that something is possible after all… Silly dreams.