Inner Daemons

Lacking air

daemon — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:30:02 +0000

It´s been a long while since my last post. Paradoxically, I´ve been writing a lot for my job and other projects, but not here. Today is the day. Lately, a weird feeling is living with me almost permanently. The main effect is a generalized lack of air when I try to breathe. My chest aches and my head spins like crazy. When it happens, I try to study my surroundings, to determine what´s going on or what can be causing this, but the only conclusion that I´ve reached so far is that in the most cases, is triggered by anxiety or the though about having to do something I don´t really want to.

Somehow, I still feel that I´m falling behind. Old ideas that seemed fabulous when created, now look ridiculously old and stupid. The idea of being walking to nowhere is lurking behind me again. What´s the reason for everything? What I´m missing? What´s the point of living?

No answers yet, despite fighting with all means available to shed some light over the subject. Sad things happened. My master abandoned me, and I feel a little bit betrayed. New sensation, since I don´t trust almost nobody. Now I remember why…

“¿Shall we continue?” I ask myself every single day. Right now I have a loved one beside me, and doing something radical could pose as a major betrayal. “Don´t do others things you don´t like to be done to yourself”, but what about me? My questions? My uneasiness? My despair?

Nobody seems to notice. You have to pretend everything is allright most of the time to support others. But energy eventually runs out. Worse yet, right now I cannot be sick, sad or tired. My “miracle” teachings have robbed that possibility. I need to be perfect all the time, since I´m selling these ideas to others, to try and change my life direction. Happiness and pain at the same time, more pain than anything else, after all…

I look around and I see many objects: mementos of past times and feelings. But, no relief comes from them. They´re there, silent and without motion, no transfer of ideas.

Precious moments of loneliness. They don´t last but appear from time to time. I deeply enjoy them. No commitments, no people, no noise.

What will be next? I don´t know and I´m starting to think that I don´t care, after all.

Returning ghosts

daemon — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 08:43:56 +0000

It´s quite funny when those old viruses or daemons come lurking again to my mind. It can in the form of a mail message, a face, a voice or some special situation that points to me and triggers memories, sensations and more or less frequently, rage or sadness. I used to say that when you don´t see someone for quite a long time, you still think about this person as if time hasn´t passed. But when you realize that his/her life has continued, it´s a hard blow. Somehow, my work on myself has achieved calm and this kind of things don´t bother me as they did in the past. But my daemons remain. They´re not completely gone. The show must go on since the battle is far from over yet…

Powerful Daemons

daemon — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 10:08:07 +0000

Sometimes is difficult to tame those daemons that have something to do with our more primal instincts: sex, rage or survival. These days I´ve been recalling a book I read many years ago, where the author described a society based on a closed-circuit life, this is, birth, life and dead inside a huge building, without ever going outdoors. People there were heavily divided by their abilities. The most successful ones lived higher, the others, lower. But, all of them had one thing in common, aside the fact of living in the same place: they could have sex with all women in the building, but hidden social rules dictated that the “lower ones” should stay there.

What if we could do the same now? Have sex or share wealth with everyone? What could change? How our lives will be? Different? the same? better? worse? It´s very difficult to control our most basic instincts just to comply with rules created by a group of people that is not here anymore. Violence and poverty are the results of this kind of ideas, envy and hatred are also side-effects. Perhaps our mindsets need to be changed now. The old rules don´t seem to apply anymore. People need different perspectives, because our society is completely different and is evolving fast. We cannot rely on old power schemes anymore. But, inertia and control of the masses by a few are almost impossible hurdles to take. Nonetheless, I believe a big change is approaching, and we´d better be prepared for it, since the world as we know it, is going to chance forever…

Two Worlds

daemon — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 14:21:14 +0000

It´s a strange feeling. In my last trips to my home land, when I return, I feel something like sadness, but it´s not quite that. Instead, is a mixture between past and future, friends and company, and loneliness and isolation. Perhaps it´s time to go back, perhaps not. It seems that time is passing quickly and I´m beginning to understand many things about my life. Now we have a dog. What is to come, is yet to be seen…

(Not) All about my mother

daemon — Sun, 03 May 2009 20:38:16 +0000

Don´t want to copy a bad movie title, specially being from him (her?). Lately, I´ve been realizing that some thoughts from long ago are true: my mom hates almost everyone. After my father´s death, she´s been immersed in a strange process of change, but not for good, I shall say, instead, her life is going into irrational hate and fear. I can´t even imagine what it is like to be in her position, her husband suddenly dead in a very painful way, but, instead of turning inside and closing the doors to the external world, the “lesson” should have been to be more kind, since life is too short to spend it fighting, feeling envy, hatred or remorse.

But, human beings don´t stop to amaze me (not in the best way, unfortunately). I feel sorry for her, but I´ve decided to put some distance between us, because being near is to put myself and all my hard-earned inner peace (still working on it) at risk. Sorry mom, but that´s the way it is (or it should be, at least for me).