We had very little money and no foreseeable prospects. One evening after we had splurged on dinner and a movie, we walked back to our car to discover a $25 parking ticket. I just turned inside out with despair, but Steve did not seem to care. He had a deep well of patience when it came to discouragements. We drove to the ocean near Crissy Field in San Francisco and walked out onto the beach to see the sunset, where I began talking about money worries. He gave me a long, exasperated look, reached into his pockets and took the few last coins and dollars we had and threw them into the ocean. All of them.

The fact that made me want to puke, was the realization that almost all my world and the one of those around me is a complete fake. People worries about the most stupid things and nobody feels the pain of others. You only have to comply. Society drags you into its endless vortex of destruction, consumerism, hate, rage, fear and no respect for anyone or anything.

Many are saying that a change is going to come soon. But how soon? Are we going to endure all the tests and problems associated with the fact of wanting to get out of the system? Do we have enough power or resources? Or are we going to be left behind, like trash?

The most fearful feeling is the one having to do with not knowing what to do, or what direction to go to. It´s like being blind and deprivated of all meaningful information to make a choice. What a horrible situation is it.

A paradox: knowing lots of things but none of them seem to be the appropriate to solve the current problems. So we keep searching and searching, hoping for some miracle solution that isn´t to arrive anytime soon, because that solution doesn´t exist.

I heard some time ago that when the time comes, perhaps is not worth it to be alive anymore, since the world can become a even more fearful place to live. That relieved me a lot, since one of my biggest worries was to survive at all costs. Perhaps the next chapter is even better, but who knows. As usual, time will tell (or not)…

Somehow, I still feel that I´m falling behind. Old ideas that seemed fabulous when created, now look ridiculously old and stupid. The idea of being walking to nowhere is lurking behind me again. What´s the reason for everything? What I´m missing? What´s the point of living?

No answers yet, despite fighting with all means available to shed some light over the subject. Sad things happened. My master abandoned me, and I feel a little bit betrayed. New sensation, since I don´t trust almost nobody. Now I remember why…

“¿Shall we continue?” I ask myself every single day. Right now I have a loved one beside me, and doing something radical could pose as a major betrayal. “Don´t do others things you don´t like to be done to yourself”, but what about me? My questions? My uneasiness? My despair?

Nobody seems to notice. You have to pretend everything is allright most of the time to support others. But energy eventually runs out. Worse yet, right now I cannot be sick, sad or tired. My “miracle” teachings have robbed that possibility. I need to be perfect all the time, since I´m selling these ideas to others, to try and change my life direction. Happiness and pain at the same time, more pain than anything else, after all…

I look around and I see many objects: mementos of past times and feelings. But, no relief comes from them. They´re there, silent and without motion, no transfer of ideas.

Precious moments of loneliness. They don´t last but appear from time to time. I deeply enjoy them. No commitments, no people, no noise.

What will be next? I don´t know and I´m starting to think that I don´t care, after all.